Rudimentary thoughts

What is left of the romantic trapped in my mind.

What are the thoughts running through my mind, and how can i ever let them escape.
Are words enough?

What are these questions that run endlessly through my mind.

I feel an extreme need to express myself, yet I feel utterly fatigued by my inability to let loose the images and ideas which run endlessly through my mind. These thoughts contain such great potential, to become creations of epic proportions.

Yet I feel fatigued before the project can ever begin, before the creation can ever manifest. Also it is as though these thoughts and ideas are too great for the world of the flesh. They exist in another dimension, entirely.

And what about these feelings which endlessly bombard my mind and cloud my thoughts? What about these feelings which often seem too immense and like s great weight upon my shoulders? I am the cursed Atlas, doomed to hold the weight of the world uppn my shoulders. For when I am presented with a problem as great as the war of the worlds, I can only acknowledge that I have no power. Or my power is so minuscule, equal to that of an ant. I cannot save the people of this world, I barely understand how to save myself. Even the concept of self worth ever eludes me. I cannot save people from killing each other.

I don’t understand love or pain or anger. I don’t understand hatred. Though I brag about the depth of my emotional intelligence, I myself share as much emotion with another human being as a scared dog would share with a stranger. I’m scared of getting injured both mentally and physically. I am scared of never feeling. I am scared of a life unlived. Yet I find myself frightened to step outside my door. I am a walking contradiction.

What if my heart is full of love? What if I can never find the right person to share my love with? What if that person will never exist?

I grasp at things, grasping with tiny hands at straws. The answers slip my fingers like fish. The metaphors crawl from my eyes like worms. I see my life at a distance and yet I see it too close, as if looking through a microscope and all these things confuse me. I search the world for answers. I ask others what they think about life but they often don’t know any more than I do. In fact, the person who is most at home in this world of the unknown is the person who does not wonder, who does not dream, but who accepts their limited knowledge with grace. They accept the blinders placed on their eyes, they do not look to the left or to the right but continue on the straight and narrow path set before them like a faithful work horse. And there is nothing wrong with being a work horse. But I was not ever this way, I do not know how to be this way, I will never know how to be this way.

The petty problems of the carnal world endlessly assault my mind from every angle, distracting me. As if I could actually figure out the way of the spiritual world if I was left to my own devices. Yes, I am an explorer of every aspect of this world which intrigues me. And every thing intruges me, absolutely everything. But if only I had alll the time in the world to sit and think about things. But my mind is like a drunken monkey, endlessly running around making noises and breaking things. It is as if the only time I find for myself, I waste by drowning myself in endless excuses. Yet even when I am occupying my time in a seemingly worthy manner, the futility of it all feels crushing. The futility of life weighs heavy on my mind. Heavier than a 600lb lady eating a cheeseburger on mars.

I have to learn to find the humor in it all. There I go again, letting the gravity of serious thoughts wash over my mind. I am a super hero, after all. I am. I am a smiling wolf in human skin. I am the lazy astronaut. I am sleepy.

If only this run on sentence could continue into eternety. After I allow all these words to spill from my head, there are still too many more inside me which are feeling trapped abd swarming to be released.

How does one ever release these words?
I was feeling better with yoga. I was feeling more whole, more able to take on the world. I’ve never had tre discipline to take on yoga, but I think yoga could unlock a higher level of my mind which contains serenity and peacefulness I have yet to experience. And perhaps someday I will find the marvelous unity which I know exists somewhere inside my spirit, the unity of the arts. Because I can not simply choose one and ignore the rest. I love music and I cannot simply appreciate it without creating it myself. I cannot cease to draw the images in my head, for they come alive on paper. And no matter what, I cannot stop or silence the words inside my mind which have the potential to become poetry on the page. Words are very powerful, like super powers. And the pen is always mightier than the sword, but having a sword is still pretty awesome.

green thoughts

sitting among the grass and the weeds
my thoughts turn so green
sitting beneath a clear blue sky
with a cool breeze like a gentle sigh
i wonder how my thoughts could ever be
darker than the shadow i sit beneath
the world spins round again
Spins me upside down in my head again
till i come around full circle
spattered out on the ground 
hope my heart will make it right
hope my soul won’t let me lose this fight
we’re living in the here and now
and right now
i’m sitting among the grass and the weeds
just listening to the finch birds sing
wondering how long these green thoughts
will last

wolf’s answer

if my soul’s ready
then this love i will partake
if my soul is brave enough
than this life I will stay

if the world catches on fire
from my cave I will walk
into the bright and bursting flames
where the stars conspire to knock

i will carry on into the night
and past into an eternal dawn
the awakening of my mind’s light
the tearing down of my wall’s drawn on

 

B-lue loly pop-pa

Blue lollipop on a blank horizon
sitting on a dreamer’s landscape (of my mind)
shots fired out into the morning dawn
waiting for that dark body
to wander across my sight picture

Blessed day when the morning star
explodes across the sky
cherry red brains bursting
into new existence (restarting life)
painting the landscape glowing
of a Blue lollipop
in my mind’s eye.

 

 

 

Ain’t that the thing, though?

I had a nice childhood
a pleasant childhood
so why was I so sad
I had a good family
a loving family
so why was I so mad all the time
why did I feel like breaking things all the time
why did I feel like waking up the dead
and killing all the life and light around me
why did I want to be swallowed by darkness
a darkness that surrounded me
and why did it surround me in the first place

Those tears falling from my eyes
there was no need for them to fall
that anger which screamed from my voice
came from nowhere, came from nothing

An embrace
was it all I needed
to feel whole
to be a person
with a heart
or was there a worm inside my heart
which wriggled around
eating a hole from the inside out
until it became free

What was the purpose
what was the point
of all that anger
all that madness
where did it come from
where will it go

I don’t wish to feel it anymore
that thing crawling inside me needs to go away
I will not be a host for bad feelings anymore
I will not be shrouded in unexplained sorrow
I will spread my arms
like the wings of a bird
and feel joy for the gentle breeze
which caresses my face
soft, soothing voice
singing sweet nothings into my ear
nothing
that’s all I want for now.

In the shadow of my mind

My heart fights with my brain
Says it’s ok
You’ll love again
You’ll love again
And you’ll be free
Of the fear
The fear inside your head
The fear that caused
Misery

Marry me into a life of happiness
He says ‘I do’ with a shaking hand
And quivering lip
But inside he’s afraid
Inside he is afraid
The dark corners of his mind
The shadows hiding
The creatures of his darkest nightmare
Will be revealed

He’s afraid because there is this monster
Attached, it’s been there for years
Staring over his right shoulder
Claws dug in tight to his back
Latched on to his spine
Digging into his shoulder blade
Causing him pain

He wonders
If anyone can see this creature
Or is it
A figment of his imagination
A grim fairytale
An unwanted ghost
A demon feeding off his
Fears, his misery

He wonders if anyone
Could hear him crying last fall
When the leaves fell from the trees
To turn brown, crisp underfoot
When the cold winter nights
Loomed in front of him
And he felt so very alone

His heart frozen over
Hibernating
Until a warmer day
When the new year dawns
And the bird’s song cracks the ice
Of his frozen heart

On that day he hears
The whisper of his heart
A voice of courage
Strong enough to never be silenced
His heart breaks down
All the walls in his broken mind
Shatters the doors and
Scatters the creatures hiding in their shadows
A gentle wind, like a whispering breeze
Sends all his cobwebs
Fluttering away

His heart whispers into his mind’s ear
With warm breath, a friend’s gentle voice
You will love
Again.