of course, you know it already, you know it’s true

And I miss you
I miss you
I miss your words
and listening to you when you got inspired
I’d watch your hands
as they spun stories in the air
those insanely, beautiful, olive hands
I miss your glasses
I miss how you called me honey, and you were so worried
you always cared so much about me
I miss how you would snuggle with me
and show me your affection
you would hold me for such a long time
we would just be breathing together
I would grab onto your shirt
I miss your laugh, of course I do
I love your laugh
I miss your honesty
you were honestly my friend
you were honestly…my partner
I miss being next to you
Our hours of conversations
sitting in your car
with music playing softly in the back
I remember it was so early in the morning
before the sun had come up
driving in your car
not saying a word
just listening to that gorgeous piano song
over and over
we were ok with silence
I miss our silence
I miss our understanding
how we knew when to say I love you
always
we knew how long to hold onto each other
forever
we knew that sitting together alone was the best thing in the world
even when we didn’t say a word
but I miss you so much
how I ever found you, a best friend
my god, how could I have been so lucky to find
a person who was there
there for me.
and yet I miss you so damn badly
fuck life if it isn’t about love
about sharing and being connected
and truly loving the people you are with
I’d rather be in hell
I am in hell
because I’m not with you.
fuck life.
I miss you.
we would drive up to my house
and it would be all dark
and we would sit in the warm car for an hour
just talking
sometimes crying
and I loved that you cried
because I cried for you
I miss being vulnerable, for you
and knowing that you were pure with me
I miss having someone
to tell the truth to
when I have to lie to the rest of the world
the time I walked to your house
it was freezing outside
and I didn’t know you very well then
but you took me into your arms anyways
and for some reason…I opened up to you
it’s silly
I remember you and my dog
the way you said his name, I adored you
and you were just as nervous about him as he was about you
until he curled up in your lap
it makes me smile, to have watched you love something
something that I loved, too
we would share our writing
I miss the art we would create together
how inspired we would make each other
I miss that entire hour we had together
just creating
just being ourselves and loving life for the moment
I loved it when we would be together
and with one other person
it didn’t matter who
but they would always open up to us
our time together was so…honest
I miss dancing with you, being crazy with you
that one time you ran around and went insane, just for me
and we would always say how we felt
you cried for me, I remember
you were so upset…but I forgive you
for everything
for all the stupid little things
and maybe you forgive me, too
but you always accepted me
you always loved me
you always held me for such a long time, until I was lost in your arms
that’s what I miss the most
I miss…everything
us
and I miss you.

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One thought on “of course, you know it already, you know it’s true

  1. Laurel says:

    Ali, this is beautiful. I know at the base of it all we never got to know each other all that well but I wanted you to know that I really admire & value you as a person — you’re uncommonly frank and distinctive and that’s something I appreciate in anyone.

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